To be desired…
It was the day I had been waiting for and the day I was dreading. I had spent 1 whole year on a fast from the one thing I wanted most…a courting relationship. In order to establish relationships with students, teammates, and mission partners, first year missionaries go on what is called a “Dating Fast”. We commit ourselves not to date for our first year on staff with FOCUS. I had been nervous to come off the dating fast. I had become comfortable with having a ‘buffer’ around me. I was not available, now, the guard was coming down, but why was it scary? I had spent a year learning how much Jesus desired my heart. Now I had to learn how to believe I was desirable to a good young man. That should have come with realizing how deeply Jesus desired me, but it didn’t. I knew coming to training there would be a certain young man who would be asking me out on a date, and I knew I would say ‘yes.’ Why was I afraid? I began to pray about the tension in my heart only to realize I did not trust our Lord in my relationships with the men around me. I have never dated, so a relationship still scared me. What if he didn’t know what he was doing? What if we both couldn’t figure it out? As I prayed, Psalm 91 came to mind. Jesus would protect me. He wanted me to trust His plan, not mine. My heart surged with the desire to be wanted and the YES! I wanted to give it that young man. I was ready, but where was he?
Slowly, the questions, the overanalyzing, and the insecurities popped into my mind. ‘Was I not the girl he was waiting for? What was wrong with me? Could this whole little crush been completely false? I must not be pretty enough. I must not be desirable.’ The devil was filling my head with lies. Why do we women want to be desired in the core of our hearts? This question now pops up even more close to my heart than before.
The longing to be desired was meant for Christ to desire our hearts, but in our world, that longing has been twisted. We begin to place that longing to be desired on anything, men, talents, jobs, friendships, etc. It can manifest itself anywhere! The devil is very cunning and loves to trip us up. Time and again we fall into this lie of not being good enough, of not being wanted. BUT this is far from the truth. As a beautiful daughter of God and bride of the Prince of Peace, you are desired. Scripture tells us, “I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in loving kindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.” (Hosea 2: 19-20)
How do we untwist our desires? First find a mentor. As fallen creatures, we need an example to follow. Who can we follow? As women, the perfect example we can follow is our beautiful and loving Mother, Mary. She gave her heart to God and allowed Him to have complete control of her life. She trusted Him with her heart, mind, body, and soul. She knew above all else that she was desired by her Father.
Archbishop Fulton Sheen said it best:
“Every man who pursues a maid, every maid who yearns to be courted, every bond of friendship in the universe, seeks a love that is not just her love or his love but something that overflows both her and him that is called “our love”. Everyone is in love with an ideal love, a love that is so far beyond sex that sex is forgotten. We all love something more than we love. When that overflow ceases, love stops. As the poet puts it: “I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honor more.”
That ideal love we see beyond all creature-love, to which we instinctively turn when flesh-love fails, is the same ideal that God had in His Heart from all eternity – the Lady whom He calls “Mother”. She is the one whom every man loves when he loves a woman – whether he knows it or not. She is what every woman wants to be when she looks at herself. She is the woman whom every man marries in ideal when he takes a spouse; she is hidden as an ideal in the discontent of every woman with the carnal aggressiveness of man; she is the secret desire every woman has to be honored and fostered; she is the way every woman wants to command respect and love because of the beauty of her goodness of body and soul. And this blueprint love, whom God loved before the world was made, this Dream Woman before women were, is the one of whom every heart can say in its depths of depths: “She is the woman I love!”
Pray to Mary for purity of heart and purity of desires. Ask Jesus to open your heart to being aware of His desire for you.
Jesus will pursue you. He loves showering his brides with compliments and flowers. He wants you to open your heart to His pursuit. Give him permission to pursue you.