Marriage: Food for Thought

I recently read an article about a young man who wasted away his twenties in selfishness and narcissism.  He got married later in life and only then began to mature.  His stated that ultimately marriage was the cause of him becoming a better person; that in trying to “find himself,” he found there was nothing to find and ends with the advice that we should push our children to get married younger.  He had a very imbalanced approach to, “the call to holiness” (-the call for all of us to be Christ regardless of our state in life.)  Below are some of my thoughts in regards to his article.

Marriage is a difficult vocation to live well and preparation for it is a wise approach and should be thorough if possible.  I believe that two people staying together for life isn’t the lone definition of a successful marriage.  I believe we are all put into this world to become Christ and strive to attain perfect love regardless of the vocation we choose.  Whether or not we become Christ and have allowed Him to perfect our love is the definition of success in any vocation. 

Marriage is simply one of the paths to that goal. 

The Church is cautious about teen marriage – talk to your local Canon Law lawyer.  If an individual wants to get married before they are 20 years old the Church requires a psychological review and then permission from the Bishop.  The very fact that the Church requires this speaks for itself and should cause all to understand why this is and heed Her wisdom.

It is sad that many people waste the decade of their 20’s in selfishness and narcissism, which is the lifestyle the man who wrote the article claimed for himself.  “Finding oneself,” according to the world’s way of doing that, can be fruitless.  However, “finding oneself in Christ” is very beneficial.  This is how I was raised.  Marriage wasn’t encouraged until we were at least 21 years of age.  College was encouraged even if it was just a two-year course to learn a trade.  But ongoing education in our faith was strongly encouraged whether it was for college credit or not.  The years between 18 and marriage (or whatever vocation) are very important years that provide an opportunity to form one’s character.  It’s a time when one is pulled out of their secure environment and challenged to grow.  Instead of clinging to another person for security it’s admirable and even more beneficial to use those years to learn to cling to Christ.  It’s a time to learn to be attentive to the Holy Spirit’s promptings so one recognizes the difference between His voice and others, even one’s own. 

It takes great courage to take that deep breath and say, “Okay Lord, I surrender to You.  What is Your Will in my life?” and then to have the spiritual maturity to act on it.

It takes time and energy to attain an intimate, personal relationship with Christ. This period in ones life is perfect because of the freedom that comes with it.  One is able to focus in a way that is very difficult to achieve once a marriage has begun.  I say this from my own experience and many others I’ve witnessed.  I didn’t get married until I was 29 years old but not one of those years was wasted.  I attended a 2 year college and then worked at a Newman Center for 10 years.  We helped young adults “find themselves in Christ.”  We helped them to become more complete individuals so they would be better spouses, priests, nuns or single and help set the world ablaze for the love of Christ.

For me and for many of the students I worked with, we were able to live a very intense spiritual life of daily Mass, bible studies, ministries in the Church, missionary work, community volunteering, retreats, catechetical growth, philosophy and theology classes, etc. -in addition to school, giving 100 percent in a way that I can’t now as a mother and wife.  At that time it was just Christ and me.  He was/is my best friend.  Christ now helps me in a very personal way to give my 100 percent to my family.   I have never regretted those years I gave it my all and would encourage anyone to do the same.

I love being a wife and mom now, but I had so many wonderful experiences during those earlier years before I got married that I look forward to encouraging my children to take the same opportunity and have at least three or four years away from home to have a similar experience before they get married.  I hope they too  “find themselves in Christ,” and create a solid spiritual relationship with the person of Jesus Christ so they can better live out their vocation, whatever that may be.  If this is in practice, the practical will naturally follow.  It’s a spiritual maturity that many miss out on and many may never experience.  None of us will make it but for the grace of God but I think there are some more prudent ways than others, provided we embrace it and not let that opportunity and time slip away. 

“In all the years I have worked with couples, I have never heard a successful and happily married couple say “I wish we would have rushed into marriage.” (Couples councilor for “How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette”)

Tiffany

THAT Kind of Princess

I realized a couple days ago that I want to be a princess still. Kinda like when I was a little girl.  I want to be a princess as much as I want to be a saint.  But before you roll your eyes, hear me out.

I don’t want to be the girl that everyone thinks is just so beautiful.  I don’t want to have the glamorous gowns and sparkling jewelry.  I don’t want to be waited on, hand and foot.  But I do want the prince, and the epic, heroic moment.

I have always pictured this epic moment as one of those scenes where the prince is valiantly fighting for his princess, because he knows he has someone worth fighting for.  But in a sudden turn of events, the enemy has the upper hand.  Things don’t look so good for the prince.  Now the princess gets her heroic moment where she runs in to save him, and she turns everything around.  Because of her courageous action, the prince is able to get up and finish the fight.  They’ll have won the battle together, because they did it for the good of the other.

A friend of mine recently told me I remind her of Belle, from Beauty and the Beast.  I thought it was an awesome compliment, to be compared to a Disney princess.  So I compared my story to hers too.

Belle is an only child to a single father.  He ends up being a prisoner in the Beast’s castle, but with a self-sacrificing act to save her father, Belle takes his place instead.  She doesn’t know it, but the Beast has to get her to fall in love with him, or he will keep the appearance of a beast forever.  Slowly, as he pursues her, Belle and the Beast fall in love.

But then the Beast also makes a self-sacrificing act in order to set her free.  His sacrifice allows her to really live, not live as a prisoner.  She goes on her way.  She can either choose to come back to him, or carry on as though he meant nothing to her.  But then, as he’s under attack, it becomes a matter of life or death.  She remembers their love for each other, and comes running back to him when the battle is raging on.

And so Belle just stands there, watching him get attacked, and she won’t run in there and help defend him.  She doesn’t even tell her family how important he is to her—she’s just too embarrassed.  She won’t stand behind her prince.  She’d rather pretend this isn’t happening.  She lets everyone else fight to save him, but she, herself, does nothing.

Just kidding.

She obviously doesn’t just stand by and do nothing.  But what a disappointing ending that would have been!  People would think she was a terrible princess.  Would she really be a princess at all?  But I realized that this is how my “princess story” tends to look.

I’m just the girl who stands by and watches as the Prince is under attack, too afraid to say anything.  Everything He stands for is being persecuted, but I so easily feel embarrassed of Him.  I’m not a princess.  I’m not that courageous.

But I want to be.  Because I know He’s worth it.  He’s worth those moments where I charge in there to defend Him and say that I’m with Him until the end.  He’s worth those moments where I’m not afraid to say that I am Catholic, and say that I love God.  I want to be able to share my faith with my family, rather than feel embarrassed by it.  I want to be like Belle, who runs into the chaos to be beside her prince, in full knowledge of the battle that rages on around them.  I have always wanted that “epic, heroic moment” like I’ve pictured in my mind—but this IS that moment, but I haven’t been playing my part.

That’s why I say I still want to be a princess.  I don’t desire to fit the glamorous stereotype little girls think of.  To me, the word “princess” has a completely different definition.  She is the daughter of the King.  She is courageous.  She is not ashamed.  She stands for what is right, and stands behind her Prince through the battle.

I want to be THAT kind of princess.

That’s why I’m writing this post.  I kind of contemplated writing it for a while, but figured I would die of embarrassment if this kind of stuff were to get out.  So here’s an attempt at being courageous.  If I am supposed to be the daughter of the King, isn’t it about time I started acting like it?

 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”

- The Princess Diaries

 

Andrea

Take time to pray!

Conversion of a Soul part 5 of 5

      I didn’t know it yet, but my future husband was in my class. He was watching over me so to speak. I had no idea that he felt called by God to watch over me. Why, he did not know, but that is what he did. We built our relationship through God and got to know each other by participating fully in the school program. We never went out on dates until he graduated. Then those dates were with others. When it came time for graduation I chose to stay an extra year to write my thesis and Matthew went on to graduate that year. He was going back home to Minnesota.

    My thesis had a summer project and that was learning to train horses. Matthew helped me find a place in Minnesota to work with horses on Horse Shoe Ranch. The owner had agreed that if I worked on her ranch she would give me lessons on training horses and also a place to sleep for the summer. I could not resist the opportunity to live an half hour from Matthew, the chance for someone to teach about horses and to work with the horses. So I traveled out to Minnesota to train horses and to get to know my boyfriend a little better.

     That summer Matthew also had a horse he wanted to train. Her name was Antigone.   Matthew and I would work with Antigone every day at a set time. If we were late it was like starting in her training all over again. We learned that being consistent was important for her. One day Matthew was lunging Antigone in a circle and using his whip to guide her. I was sitting on the tailgate of an old pick truck with my horse training book. I told Matthew,

    “You are lunging her wrong because it says in the book that…” and before I could finish speaking he turned and held the whip right below my nose and asked me,

    “Would you like to come out and try it?” I of course said no being a little bit intimidated by Antigone for she was high spirited and mean. These kind of experiences helped our relationship grow. We began to learn to let go of our own opinions. In this way we learned how to work together as a team. We used our strengths instead of our weaknesses. In this case my strength was book knowledge and Matthew’s was experience.

     The summer went by quickly. I went and moved back to New Hampshire to finish school. Matthew went to live in Virginia. He visited and called me quite often but we both did our best to focus on our work and studies. Soon the year was over and graduation day had come. What I didn’t know was that there were a couple of surprises for me. The whole time I was getting pictures taken with my class and family Matthew was getting advice from an old friend on whether or not he should ask me to marry him on that day. There was a lot going on. I was moving down to Virginia to be closer to Matthew, it was also my birthday and I was graduating.

      When the festivities had died down we left the campus to go to my little house I was renting in Sutton NH. After a long wonderful morning, my parents took a rest and I asked Matthew if he would like to go on a walk with me. The walk was wonderful but he would periodically ask me if I loved him. I would of course with great fervor say,

    “Yes, I love you.” I started wondering what he was up to, when he asked me that question for a third time. Matthew asked if we could stop for a while so I said ok. We sat down and that is when he asked me if I would be his best friend for life. I was surprised and thought for a moment before I gave him my yes. That moment I will remember forever.

      God had truly sent me a friend to help me through this world. Matthew is still my best friend and he is a wonderful father and husband as well. We have our ups and downs but we know where we are headed and that is eternal life with God.

        I know from out of everything I have gone through in this life I know that my Father i.e. God never abandoned me and I know that He loves me. I see this daily in my husband and in my four little girls. Through my trials and through my joys in life I can honestly look back and say God was there holding my hand all the way. For I know with the kind of life I was leading I should have been dead five times over but yet here I am and only God knows why I am still here.

       I know God and what He gives is the only thing worth living for in this life and in the next. I tried what the world had to offer and it is not worth it. God picked me up broken and bruised and dressed my wounds and healed them. He has done His part now it is my turn to do my part with the help of His graces. For life is a beautiful adventure with God to walk hand in hand with you.

Conversion of a Soul Part 4 of 5

(see previous posts on Conversion of a Soul under “Relationships”)

When that money came I knew 100% that I was on the right road. But what does the right road mean?

I thought, ”Yes this is where I was supposed to be and everything will be smooth sailing from here on out.”

 It didn’t occur to me that all of my bad habits I had developed over the years would follow me like a dark cloud.

I began to realize after being at school for less than a month that the right road will be very hard but not without joy. I would have to work with a spade and shovel to pull all the weeds I let grow in my heart. This first year was about unmasking my true world view and what principals I held. The second year was how to start applying these new principles. The third year was putting these principles in to practice. The four year was beginning to live these principles.

      I had long lived in a world that everyone and everything was out for themselves and you were nothing but another thing to be used or to be eliminated. As the school year went on I started realizing that not everyone thought the way I did. I saw that I had value. I started to learn how to have true relationships with other people. I discovered that man was not evil in himself but that he chooses to do evil or to do good.

     Half way through the year, it took me that long to realize that my big job was learning self-control especially over my emotions. I am sure to my fellow students thought I must have been a basket case. My emotions were very much out of control. I didn’t hide anything i.e. when I was mad I showed it, when I was sad I cried. I never really tried to hide anything about myself. That, I realized, was one of the gifts God gave me. At least once a week I would have a catharsis in one of my classes. Through these class experiences I started to see the love of God more clearly in my classmates. Because I could see God in them I also saw the good in them.

      God was wonderful.  He was so good to me. I know He was right there holding my hand encouraging me to keep on the right path. Only when I would start to focusing on myself would I stray but He was right there working through someone to help me get back on track. I went to Mass and prayed the rosary every day. I would also sometimes visit Him in the chapel just to say thank you or hello and tell Him about my day especial when it was not going so well. My relationship with God was still weak but I could see Him in my life and in those around me.

       My wonderful classmates would always try to push me beyond were I was at in life. These classmates became some of my closest friends one could ever wish to have. For we were like a family to each other trying to help each other stay on the right path.

“Anyone who has discovered Christ must lead others to Him. A great joy cannot be kept to oneself. It has to be passed on.”                   Pope Benedict XVI

Hospitality: What are YOU doing?

Hospitality, Generosity and Acts of Kindness

Hospitality:  friendly behavior towards visitors, guests or strangers, intended to make them feel welcome

Generosity:  willingness to give

This past week on my travels throughout New Zealand I was fortunate to have experienced both. Generosity was given by my new Kiwi friends (kiwi is what New Zealanders call themselves), who insisted on driving me to the hospital and waiting there with me even though it took hours out of their day.  I had a wound infection and need IV antibiotics for three days. Hospitality was given by two Kiwi families who took me into their homes and said our home is your home. I was traveling through the North Island and it was a great relief not having to worry about accommodation. Kindness like this is inspiring! I was grateful for these instances of people place the needs of others before their own.  Also it made me reflect and think of how often I do it.

In addition to this I met an American couple living in New Zealand.  This couple was very impressed by the welcoming and friendliness of Kiwis. They said people just aren’t like this in America anymore, we’ve lost this kind of thoughtfulness. Unfortunately for them they weren’t from friendly North Dakota, but even I have noticed that New Zealand is on another level.  It is still acceptable to hitch-hike here, if someone can’t help you they find you someone who can and going the extra step for another person, even a foreigner, is no big deal.

After talking to this couple I began to wonder how generous, hospitable and thoughtful I have been to friends, acquaintances or strangers. I do often find myself asking God how should I love others.  And I do often catch myself so consumed with myself that I don’t even think about the needs of others.  Hospitality, generosity and just everyday acts of kindness –giving a complement, writing a thank you note, inviting a friend over for dinner, initiating a conversation with a stranger, baking cookies for your neighbors, helping someone with homework- are all the answers God is giving me.

 

~Emily

 

“IF” For Girls

“ IF” For Girls

by J.P. McEvoy

If you can hear the whispering about you,

And never yield to deal in whispers, too;

If you can bravely smile when loved ones doubt you,

And never doubt, in turn, what loved ones do;

If you can keep a sweet and gentle spirit

In spite of fame or fortune, rank or place,

And though you win your goal or only near it,

Can win with poise or lose with equal grace;

 

If you can meet with Unbelief, believing,

And hallow in your heart a simple Creed,

If you can meet Deception, undeceiving,

And learn to look to God for all you need;

If you can be what girls should be to mothers;

Chums in joy and comrades in distress,

And be unto others as you’d have the others

Be unto you–no more– and yet no less;

 

If you can keep within your heart the power

To say that firm, unconquerable “No”;

If you can brave a present shadowed hour,

Rather than yield to build a future woe;

If you can love, yet not let loving master,

But keep yourself within your own self’s clasp,

And not let Dreaming lead you to disaster,

Nor Pity’s fascination loose your grasp;

 

If you can lock your heart in confidences,

Nor ever needlessly in turn confide

 If you can put behind you all pretenses

Of mock humility and foolish pride;

 If you can keep the simple, homely virtue

Of walking right with God–then have no fear

That anything in all the world can hurt you–

And–which is more–you’ll be a Woman, dear.

You Are Not Alone

You are not alone.

   As a woman, in the depths of my soul, I long to be loved, beautiful, wanted, respected and worth fighting for.  Sound familiar? I don’t even know you and already I feel like we have a lot in common! Truly!

The other day I was listening to a young woman of 17 tell me how she thinks she will never get married because she doesn’t think she is lovable. Wow. Things don’t change much as we get older do they?!  For one really long moment I just wanted to hold both her hands and assure her confidently, that yes, she is lovable. Indeed she is priceless. In fact, she is worth dying for.

Look around us in society. It’s all over. Wear this deodorant and you will be beautiful. Shop at this store and you will be popular. Get this car and you will wow all your friends.  We are told all over how we can attain these five things:

Love, beauty, being wanted (accepted), respect……but what happened to our value?

Cha-ching$$$……….the quickest way to cheapen something that is priceless is to put a price tag on it.

Ladies, we are bombarded with how to value ourselves in accordance with how society defines our value.

You are created more than that.

I went out to lunch with my boyfriend the other day and after he got the bill from the waitress I jokingly commented, “What did I cost you?” he grinned at me and said, “You are priceless.”

Yes, women, YOU ARE PRICELESS! You are worth waiting for.  I wish I could give that point of confidence to each young woman as she begins to long for that “Knight in shining armor”. Someone to love us. Someone to respect us. Someone to know us to the depths of our being. Someone who will always be there for us. Someone who will want us always no matter what we look like. Someone who makes us feel beautiful.

Yes, that longing is real.

Yes, that longing is normal.

Yes, that longing takes place in each of our feminine lives at some point.

Yet, what do we struggle with? Thoughts of confusion as to our level of self-worth.  Yet, we don’t always realize that there is only one way to fill it; only one way that will truly satisfy. That is with the love of Jesus Christ.

You, woman, are a masterpiece.  Your value is stamped in the very depths of your being.

You are loved.

You are beautiful

You are wanted, even desired,

You are respected and You are of such value that

    You are worth dying for!

In fact, someone has already laid down His life for you!

I will be here...... ~Jesus

Conversion of a Soul Part 3

    I changed my dress to modest clothing or at least what I thought was modest. I wore long skirts, baggy sweaters and turtlenecks. I went to Mass everyday with my mother. Those were the best moments I remember with her.

I found a peace and a joy I had not felt since I was a little girl.

     I got a job working at a pizza parlor the name of the place was Stagecoach pizza. I enjoyed working there very much. Everybody was kind to me. I started taking general classes at the Oregon Institute of Technology College. I worked hard and was looking into other colleges away from home.

     One day I received a letter from someone I had met at Magdalen. She asked me how come I didn’t show up for school last year. Therese also wrote that Mr. Sullivan who was head of admissions still had a dorm room received for me. This was the seed that got me thinking of Magdalen again as a possible school for me.  So off I went to visit Magdalen again with an open heart.

      It was a grace filled visit. I stopped looking at other colleges because in my heart God told me that Magdalen was the one. It was a private formation college, no government funding. I would need $6000 to buy books and for tuition for one year. I would need this in 3 months.  I had five hundred dollars in the bank I had saved. My faith was still very fragile at this time. I began to be plagued with doubts of Gods plan for me.

       Months went by and still no money. One day feeling sorry for myself, I sat in a chair at home and worried instead of praying. My mother walked in and asked me,

     “Why the long face.” I said, “Mom I have no money. We have not gone to the bank to try and get a loan. How are we going to get the money for me to go to Magdalen?” My mother replied, “Have faith in God, you will see.” I said, “Ya, right mom what’s God going to do send money from heaven.” My mother told me, “No, but have a little faith in God He is stronger than you think He is.” So I told her I would try, halfheartedly still believing I still needed to be in control of my life.

       I received the wonderful sacrament of Confirmation with a worried heart but feeling what a great honor it was to become a soldier in Gods army. I finally found my purpose in life.

      I had one month to go before I had to leave for school still not having any funds. I came back home with the weight of the world on my shoulders that I had placed there. I walked through the door and into the kitchen to find a letter addressed to me from my great Uncle Larry. He wrote,

     “Here is the money you need to go to Magdalen for this year and if you still like this college as much as you say you do, I will pay for the rest of your years there.”  In my hand was a check in the other was a tissue catching the tears of joy and sorrow. Sorrow for not having faith in He who was saving me. So yes, God sent me money from heaven.

Conversion of a Soul Part 2

Then God decided it was time for me to come back to the real world by force……

          My mother called up the toughest private foster care provider in Oregon that dealt with delinquents. I was not in the system so she had to pay for me to go. I was picked up by the foster mother put in her car and taken by force to live out my senior year of high school under her care. She did help me to get back on track with school and I did graduate with my class. I made up a year and a half and completed my senior classes too. This was all accomplished through God’s saving grace. I just didn’t know He was with me.

My soul was still very dark.

                My foster mother Betsy was very good at teaching me how to use others to get what you need. “You yourself is what is important in this life and nobody else.” With my soul still in the same state and my mind unchanged it did not take to long for me to travel back to my old ways except one thing happened that was different. I visited a Catholic College called Magdalen. Everybody was so kind it almost felt like Utopia on earth.

                I chose to go that coming fall. Everything seemed to be going well but I ran into one of my old friends and that’s all it took for me to go back to drugs, parties and men. My good mother warned me not to be friends with them but I didn’t listen.

                I lived that way for a year. I met a bouncer from the bar in town and I enjoyed his company. I moved in with his cousin. I don’t know how it got this far but one day I overheard them plotting my death. Now I saw for the first time were my way of living had got me. They told me they were going away for the weekend and would be back on Monday.

                The next day all alone in my room I felt scared and alone.

               Nobody was in the house but me. I think for the first time I prayed but I didn’t address God directly I just called out for help. I was answered with a voice coming from nowhere saying, “Go home to your family.” In that moment I said, “Yes” for the first time. I called my mother and asked her if I could come home. She told me yes as long as I could obey her rules and I quickly agreed.

                My family was on vacation at the time so there was nobody to help me move back home that weekend. So again I called for help and was told in my heart to call this young man who I knew was a good person. He gladly said yes but he needed to ask his mother. She agreed and they came that same day. When all was packed his mother scolded me rightly and said I needed to choose better who I lived with. Those words stayed with me for a long time.

                Things went well at home but I didn’t start going back to Mass yet. I started a job and went to college for a year. During that year my relationships with men were still just physical. Until I saw how it was destroying me. I really think it must have been the grace of God to help me see through my blindness.

                In my life I never did things half way so when I made a decision to turn my back on this life style I had to sever everything that I knew including every person I knew. I gave up this life for a better one.

So you have failed? You- be convinced of it - cannot fail. You have gained experience. On you go!