Marriage: Food for Thought

I recently read an article about a young man who wasted away his twenties in selfishness and narcissism.  He got married later in life and only then began to mature.  His stated that ultimately marriage was the cause of him becoming a better person; that in trying to “find himself,” he found there was nothing to find and ends with the advice that we should push our children to get married younger.  He had a very imbalanced approach to, “the call to holiness” (-the call for all of us to be Christ regardless of our state in life.)  Below are some of my thoughts in regards to his article.

Marriage is a difficult vocation to live well and preparation for it is a wise approach and should be thorough if possible.  I believe that two people staying together for life isn’t the lone definition of a successful marriage.  I believe we are all put into this world to become Christ and strive to attain perfect love regardless of the vocation we choose.  Whether or not we become Christ and have allowed Him to perfect our love is the definition of success in any vocation. 

Marriage is simply one of the paths to that goal. 

The Church is cautious about teen marriage – talk to your local Canon Law lawyer.  If an individual wants to get married before they are 20 years old the Church requires a psychological review and then permission from the Bishop.  The very fact that the Church requires this speaks for itself and should cause all to understand why this is and heed Her wisdom.

It is sad that many people waste the decade of their 20’s in selfishness and narcissism, which is the lifestyle the man who wrote the article claimed for himself.  “Finding oneself,” according to the world’s way of doing that, can be fruitless.  However, “finding oneself in Christ” is very beneficial.  This is how I was raised.  Marriage wasn’t encouraged until we were at least 21 years of age.  College was encouraged even if it was just a two-year course to learn a trade.  But ongoing education in our faith was strongly encouraged whether it was for college credit or not.  The years between 18 and marriage (or whatever vocation) are very important years that provide an opportunity to form one’s character.  It’s a time when one is pulled out of their secure environment and challenged to grow.  Instead of clinging to another person for security it’s admirable and even more beneficial to use those years to learn to cling to Christ.  It’s a time to learn to be attentive to the Holy Spirit’s promptings so one recognizes the difference between His voice and others, even one’s own. 

It takes great courage to take that deep breath and say, “Okay Lord, I surrender to You.  What is Your Will in my life?” and then to have the spiritual maturity to act on it.

It takes time and energy to attain an intimate, personal relationship with Christ. This period in ones life is perfect because of the freedom that comes with it.  One is able to focus in a way that is very difficult to achieve once a marriage has begun.  I say this from my own experience and many others I’ve witnessed.  I didn’t get married until I was 29 years old but not one of those years was wasted.  I attended a 2 year college and then worked at a Newman Center for 10 years.  We helped young adults “find themselves in Christ.”  We helped them to become more complete individuals so they would be better spouses, priests, nuns or single and help set the world ablaze for the love of Christ.

For me and for many of the students I worked with, we were able to live a very intense spiritual life of daily Mass, bible studies, ministries in the Church, missionary work, community volunteering, retreats, catechetical growth, philosophy and theology classes, etc. -in addition to school, giving 100 percent in a way that I can’t now as a mother and wife.  At that time it was just Christ and me.  He was/is my best friend.  Christ now helps me in a very personal way to give my 100 percent to my family.   I have never regretted those years I gave it my all and would encourage anyone to do the same.

I love being a wife and mom now, but I had so many wonderful experiences during those earlier years before I got married that I look forward to encouraging my children to take the same opportunity and have at least three or four years away from home to have a similar experience before they get married.  I hope they too  “find themselves in Christ,” and create a solid spiritual relationship with the person of Jesus Christ so they can better live out their vocation, whatever that may be.  If this is in practice, the practical will naturally follow.  It’s a spiritual maturity that many miss out on and many may never experience.  None of us will make it but for the grace of God but I think there are some more prudent ways than others, provided we embrace it and not let that opportunity and time slip away. 

“In all the years I have worked with couples, I have never heard a successful and happily married couple say “I wish we would have rushed into marriage.” (Couples councilor for “How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette”)

Tiffany

THAT Kind of Princess

I realized a couple days ago that I want to be a princess still. Kinda like when I was a little girl.  I want to be a princess as much as I want to be a saint.  But before you roll your eyes, hear me out.

I don’t want to be the girl that everyone thinks is just so beautiful.  I don’t want to have the glamorous gowns and sparkling jewelry.  I don’t want to be waited on, hand and foot.  But I do want the prince, and the epic, heroic moment.

I have always pictured this epic moment as one of those scenes where the prince is valiantly fighting for his princess, because he knows he has someone worth fighting for.  But in a sudden turn of events, the enemy has the upper hand.  Things don’t look so good for the prince.  Now the princess gets her heroic moment where she runs in to save him, and she turns everything around.  Because of her courageous action, the prince is able to get up and finish the fight.  They’ll have won the battle together, because they did it for the good of the other.

A friend of mine recently told me I remind her of Belle, from Beauty and the Beast.  I thought it was an awesome compliment, to be compared to a Disney princess.  So I compared my story to hers too.

Belle is an only child to a single father.  He ends up being a prisoner in the Beast’s castle, but with a self-sacrificing act to save her father, Belle takes his place instead.  She doesn’t know it, but the Beast has to get her to fall in love with him, or he will keep the appearance of a beast forever.  Slowly, as he pursues her, Belle and the Beast fall in love.

But then the Beast also makes a self-sacrificing act in order to set her free.  His sacrifice allows her to really live, not live as a prisoner.  She goes on her way.  She can either choose to come back to him, or carry on as though he meant nothing to her.  But then, as he’s under attack, it becomes a matter of life or death.  She remembers their love for each other, and comes running back to him when the battle is raging on.

And so Belle just stands there, watching him get attacked, and she won’t run in there and help defend him.  She doesn’t even tell her family how important he is to her—she’s just too embarrassed.  She won’t stand behind her prince.  She’d rather pretend this isn’t happening.  She lets everyone else fight to save him, but she, herself, does nothing.

Just kidding.

She obviously doesn’t just stand by and do nothing.  But what a disappointing ending that would have been!  People would think she was a terrible princess.  Would she really be a princess at all?  But I realized that this is how my “princess story” tends to look.

I’m just the girl who stands by and watches as the Prince is under attack, too afraid to say anything.  Everything He stands for is being persecuted, but I so easily feel embarrassed of Him.  I’m not a princess.  I’m not that courageous.

But I want to be.  Because I know He’s worth it.  He’s worth those moments where I charge in there to defend Him and say that I’m with Him until the end.  He’s worth those moments where I’m not afraid to say that I am Catholic, and say that I love God.  I want to be able to share my faith with my family, rather than feel embarrassed by it.  I want to be like Belle, who runs into the chaos to be beside her prince, in full knowledge of the battle that rages on around them.  I have always wanted that “epic, heroic moment” like I’ve pictured in my mind—but this IS that moment, but I haven’t been playing my part.

That’s why I say I still want to be a princess.  I don’t desire to fit the glamorous stereotype little girls think of.  To me, the word “princess” has a completely different definition.  She is the daughter of the King.  She is courageous.  She is not ashamed.  She stands for what is right, and stands behind her Prince through the battle.

I want to be THAT kind of princess.

That’s why I’m writing this post.  I kind of contemplated writing it for a while, but figured I would die of embarrassment if this kind of stuff were to get out.  So here’s an attempt at being courageous.  If I am supposed to be the daughter of the King, isn’t it about time I started acting like it?

 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”

- The Princess Diaries

 

Andrea

Back to basics: Going Natural

Over the years I have been to alot of talks about the dignity of woman, the natural aspects of love, God’s design in making men and women. One of my favorites was a talk talk given by Dr. Janet Smith, a woman of great intellect and common sense! Ever since then I have often wondered:

What are women thinking?……Why do we so easily buy into the lie of our sexual society?…We are told that “Pregnancy is a beautiful thing but so is a woman’s “Choice”……Why do we, as living, nurturing women get sick at the thought of killing seals, whales, puppy dogs and yet can treat the question of “Choice” as though “choice” was concrete – that the life within us was abstract – that the word “choice” makes abortion “alright”?

Abortion kills BABIES! Why is it, when a woman is pregnant and wants to be, she tells everyone about her baby……but when a woman is pregnant and doesn’t want to be she only has a “fetus”? Desire doesn’t change TRUTH!

WAKE UP WOMEN!

I watched the video below. My sister, who has 6 beautiful kids sent it to me. Make time for this video! Educate yourself! Women: Get your body back!

Contraception is the number one advertisement for free intercourse. PERIOD. If you want to continue to be used, keep taking it. A true test of love is responsibility. If you stopped taking the contraceptive would your man still love you?

Your fertility isn’t a problem that you need to “pop a pill for”. And for all you mothers out there with lots of kids I APPLAUD YOU! THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT OF LIFE!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNSELFISH GIFT OF YOUR LIFE!

 

 

Blessed is the Woman

“Blessed is the woman who has a smile in her voice,

 a sparkle in her eyes, a song on her lips;

a spring in her step, a warmth in her touch,

a depth in her beauty, a purpose for her life,

a joy in her faith, a hope in her breast and a love in her heart.”

 

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26

Take time to pray!

You are loved!

Psalm 139:14

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

 

Conversion of a Soul part 5 of 5

      I didn’t know it yet, but my future husband was in my class. He was watching over me so to speak. I had no idea that he felt called by God to watch over me. Why, he did not know, but that is what he did. We built our relationship through God and got to know each other by participating fully in the school program. We never went out on dates until he graduated. Then those dates were with others. When it came time for graduation I chose to stay an extra year to write my thesis and Matthew went on to graduate that year. He was going back home to Minnesota.

    My thesis had a summer project and that was learning to train horses. Matthew helped me find a place in Minnesota to work with horses on Horse Shoe Ranch. The owner had agreed that if I worked on her ranch she would give me lessons on training horses and also a place to sleep for the summer. I could not resist the opportunity to live an half hour from Matthew, the chance for someone to teach about horses and to work with the horses. So I traveled out to Minnesota to train horses and to get to know my boyfriend a little better.

     That summer Matthew also had a horse he wanted to train. Her name was Antigone.   Matthew and I would work with Antigone every day at a set time. If we were late it was like starting in her training all over again. We learned that being consistent was important for her. One day Matthew was lunging Antigone in a circle and using his whip to guide her. I was sitting on the tailgate of an old pick truck with my horse training book. I told Matthew,

    “You are lunging her wrong because it says in the book that…” and before I could finish speaking he turned and held the whip right below my nose and asked me,

    “Would you like to come out and try it?” I of course said no being a little bit intimidated by Antigone for she was high spirited and mean. These kind of experiences helped our relationship grow. We began to learn to let go of our own opinions. In this way we learned how to work together as a team. We used our strengths instead of our weaknesses. In this case my strength was book knowledge and Matthew’s was experience.

     The summer went by quickly. I went and moved back to New Hampshire to finish school. Matthew went to live in Virginia. He visited and called me quite often but we both did our best to focus on our work and studies. Soon the year was over and graduation day had come. What I didn’t know was that there were a couple of surprises for me. The whole time I was getting pictures taken with my class and family Matthew was getting advice from an old friend on whether or not he should ask me to marry him on that day. There was a lot going on. I was moving down to Virginia to be closer to Matthew, it was also my birthday and I was graduating.

      When the festivities had died down we left the campus to go to my little house I was renting in Sutton NH. After a long wonderful morning, my parents took a rest and I asked Matthew if he would like to go on a walk with me. The walk was wonderful but he would periodically ask me if I loved him. I would of course with great fervor say,

    “Yes, I love you.” I started wondering what he was up to, when he asked me that question for a third time. Matthew asked if we could stop for a while so I said ok. We sat down and that is when he asked me if I would be his best friend for life. I was surprised and thought for a moment before I gave him my yes. That moment I will remember forever.

      God had truly sent me a friend to help me through this world. Matthew is still my best friend and he is a wonderful father and husband as well. We have our ups and downs but we know where we are headed and that is eternal life with God.

        I know from out of everything I have gone through in this life I know that my Father i.e. God never abandoned me and I know that He loves me. I see this daily in my husband and in my four little girls. Through my trials and through my joys in life I can honestly look back and say God was there holding my hand all the way. For I know with the kind of life I was leading I should have been dead five times over but yet here I am and only God knows why I am still here.

       I know God and what He gives is the only thing worth living for in this life and in the next. I tried what the world had to offer and it is not worth it. God picked me up broken and bruised and dressed my wounds and healed them. He has done His part now it is my turn to do my part with the help of His graces. For life is a beautiful adventure with God to walk hand in hand with you.

Conversion of a Soul Part 4 of 5

(see previous posts on Conversion of a Soul under “Relationships”)

When that money came I knew 100% that I was on the right road. But what does the right road mean?

I thought, ”Yes this is where I was supposed to be and everything will be smooth sailing from here on out.”

 It didn’t occur to me that all of my bad habits I had developed over the years would follow me like a dark cloud.

I began to realize after being at school for less than a month that the right road will be very hard but not without joy. I would have to work with a spade and shovel to pull all the weeds I let grow in my heart. This first year was about unmasking my true world view and what principals I held. The second year was how to start applying these new principles. The third year was putting these principles in to practice. The four year was beginning to live these principles.

      I had long lived in a world that everyone and everything was out for themselves and you were nothing but another thing to be used or to be eliminated. As the school year went on I started realizing that not everyone thought the way I did. I saw that I had value. I started to learn how to have true relationships with other people. I discovered that man was not evil in himself but that he chooses to do evil or to do good.

     Half way through the year, it took me that long to realize that my big job was learning self-control especially over my emotions. I am sure to my fellow students thought I must have been a basket case. My emotions were very much out of control. I didn’t hide anything i.e. when I was mad I showed it, when I was sad I cried. I never really tried to hide anything about myself. That, I realized, was one of the gifts God gave me. At least once a week I would have a catharsis in one of my classes. Through these class experiences I started to see the love of God more clearly in my classmates. Because I could see God in them I also saw the good in them.

      God was wonderful.  He was so good to me. I know He was right there holding my hand encouraging me to keep on the right path. Only when I would start to focusing on myself would I stray but He was right there working through someone to help me get back on track. I went to Mass and prayed the rosary every day. I would also sometimes visit Him in the chapel just to say thank you or hello and tell Him about my day especial when it was not going so well. My relationship with God was still weak but I could see Him in my life and in those around me.

       My wonderful classmates would always try to push me beyond were I was at in life. These classmates became some of my closest friends one could ever wish to have. For we were like a family to each other trying to help each other stay on the right path.

“Anyone who has discovered Christ must lead others to Him. A great joy cannot be kept to oneself. It has to be passed on.”                   Pope Benedict XVI

Hospitality: What are YOU doing?

Hospitality, Generosity and Acts of Kindness

Hospitality:  friendly behavior towards visitors, guests or strangers, intended to make them feel welcome

Generosity:  willingness to give

This past week on my travels throughout New Zealand I was fortunate to have experienced both. Generosity was given by my new Kiwi friends (kiwi is what New Zealanders call themselves), who insisted on driving me to the hospital and waiting there with me even though it took hours out of their day.  I had a wound infection and need IV antibiotics for three days. Hospitality was given by two Kiwi families who took me into their homes and said our home is your home. I was traveling through the North Island and it was a great relief not having to worry about accommodation. Kindness like this is inspiring! I was grateful for these instances of people place the needs of others before their own.  Also it made me reflect and think of how often I do it.

In addition to this I met an American couple living in New Zealand.  This couple was very impressed by the welcoming and friendliness of Kiwis. They said people just aren’t like this in America anymore, we’ve lost this kind of thoughtfulness. Unfortunately for them they weren’t from friendly North Dakota, but even I have noticed that New Zealand is on another level.  It is still acceptable to hitch-hike here, if someone can’t help you they find you someone who can and going the extra step for another person, even a foreigner, is no big deal.

After talking to this couple I began to wonder how generous, hospitable and thoughtful I have been to friends, acquaintances or strangers. I do often find myself asking God how should I love others.  And I do often catch myself so consumed with myself that I don’t even think about the needs of others.  Hospitality, generosity and just everyday acts of kindness –giving a complement, writing a thank you note, inviting a friend over for dinner, initiating a conversation with a stranger, baking cookies for your neighbors, helping someone with homework- are all the answers God is giving me.

 

~Emily

 

Self-Control is Freedom

When I came to college, I began to be surrounded with temptations to overindulge in many types of things. I was bombarded with the idea that we are now “free” and can do whatever we want. Many students believed that giving into desires to drink, participation in lustful thoughts and actions, and laziness in our studies would bring happiness. However, I soon realized, those that had true happiness and freedom were those that had discipline. Those that had control over their thoughts, desires, and actions were able to direct their lives, a true freedom that the others didn’t have. Their ability to say “no” to human temptations allowed them to say “yes” – to God and to others.

    Often when we think about self-control, we think of a list restrictions: no gossip, no losing your temper, or no gluttony. But rarely do we think about the fact that these restraints are actually a hidden freedom. Without self-control, we become a slave to our passions. If we are unable to master our impulses, we are unable to choose the path of our thoughts, desires, and actions. But when we learn self-control, we allow God to direct our lives rather than human impulses.

   Not only does self-control lead to freedom and happiness, it is necessary for us to grow in other virtues as well. As women, many of us tend to struggle with controlling emotions, especially in relationships. Not controlling our emotions can lead us to use another in our thoughts and imagination, as well as hurt ourselves. If we truly love others and are striving for chaste relationships, we must learn to control our desires, both physically and emotionally. “Either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy” (CCC 2339).

“Self-control is holding oneself within due limits in pleasures and duties, as in all things else; self-denial, the giving up of pleasures for the sake of duty.”

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. 

Everyone must choose one of two pains: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret.